I couldn't understand it. I lived in California for 12 years and I never felt like this. Once I moved to Oregon, I drove back to the Bay Area countless times to visit with my best Friend so why was I shaking like a leaf at the thought of it now? I had taken my kids to Disneyland three times and I never broke down and cried for hours on end. Why was this so different?
With each mile that passed, my anxiousness intensified. This was silly. I have never reacted like this. What was going on? Was I going crazy? I cried out to God but He didn't seem to be hearing me.
Okay. I can do this on my own then. That's obviously the way you want it. I am strong. I don't need help. I can do this. I've been doing it on my own for 30 years now, why should now be any different. Six weeks of fear filled days and sleepless nights. Six weeks of self-flogging for a past that comes back to haunt me now.
I turn to my addiction. Food. Although we are on a tight budget, I purposely choose foods that are my weakness. They have been my comfort for 50 years now. They push the emotions back down into their hiding places. They numb the fears. They lock them up and save them for another day.
The ailing van calls for a respite. It is overwhelmed. It cannot go on without rest.
No! I cannot handle this right now. It's to much to ask for. Five times the van has called in sick. Five times my anxiety worsens. The food is no longer satisfying my soul.
Words of encouragement are sent and although they are uplifting, I still need. I pray once more. Please God. Please don't abandon me now.
I hear it then. the whisper that is my savior. "Do you really think I would remind you of your sins?"
"I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more." Isaiah 43:25
"I hear you Lord, but I am torn. Give me a sign. Show me what I am to do."
We continue our southbound journey, passing a lighthouse along the way. It is stunning, towering in the distance in all it's glorious splendor. Decades old. Weathering storms that come no matter how intense or how powerful, yet standing strong against them with grace, enticing all who see its light to come take refuge within its beacon.
When Jesus spoke again, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." John 8:12
The setting of the sun mesmerizes as it brings a peaceful slumber. A slumber so deep, dreams evade and rest comes upon these weary bones.
Indeed, He who watches over Israel, neither slumbers, nor sleeps." Psalm 121:4
It looms before me, this monolith of stone. It offers protection from the storms, a covering in times of distress.
The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
My God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
So it was I that was hard of hearing. Voices of my past were so much louder than the gentle whisper, "I am here", and through the prayers and words of encouragement from those who love me I continue this journey with a song in my heart.
The Lord is my shepherd
I don't need a thing
I slumber in the meadows
Cool water I drink
And when I am rested
And He has quieted my fears
He sends me back out walking
My path straight and clear.